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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The most important post you will ever read, anywhere, by anyone, for any reason

I'm going to change your life in a few minutes. You'll start reading this post feeling like today is just another regular day. You probably went to work, ate a boring lunch, went home, ate a boring know, just cruising along. Ok, there's a small chance that you are running for your life from a huge bear who has been genetically engineered to be intelligent, and also has some kind of infectious disease. You may be on your hands and knees behind a dumpster desperately looking for bear-survival-strategies on your iPhone when you hit on this site (I'm tagging this post as How To Defeat Bears just to snag this potentially lost demographic).

Like this, only the bear also has that disease from Outbreak what killed all those Monkeys and People

Regardless of what bear-related activities you may be engaged in, I stand by my earlier claim. I'm still going to change your life. Hell, every single one of my days is way awesomer than average (both ursine and non-ursine averages, of course), and it completely rocked me to my core.

But first, a little of the mundane details that used to be what this blog is all about. The website is called It's a basic PTC site that follows the standard model. Look at ads. Make pennies. The difference is that has lots of ads that you can view repeatedly and still get credited for. They also have a high pay rate, when you consider the number of clicks you can get. Sound too good to be true? Yeah, it probably is. The scuttle around the web appears to be that payment takes forever and a day, if they even pay out. Sarz and I are both trying it out, so stay tuned for the official condemnation at a later date...but for now, I can't really recommend this one all that strongly as a money making resource.

However, had an ad that made me forget all that! It doesn't matter at all! Ladies and gentlemen, the world is changing. Why do I care about websites when what I'm about to tell you makes the internet useless? Why should I care about mere pennies when what I'm about to talk about could make you ONE HUNDRED BILLION dollars a year?

Maybe not that much. Like, totally a lot though.

Are you ready? I don't think I can stall anymore. I'm so excited. Ok....What's your favorite food? Hot dogs, right? If you said anything other than hot dogs you are so full of it. is the well chosen name of the provider of our new way of life. The first line is a real grabber: ATTENTION: If You have a hot dog cart business or you are about to start one this may be the most valuable letter you will ever read...

And that's it. That's the hook right there. See, I'll admit--I don't have a hot dog cart business. Until I read this, I had never in my life considered starting one. I, probably like you, believed that hot dog cart-ery wasn't a profession so much as the end result of a life full of misadventure and mistakes. I foolishly thought that hot-dog-cartsmen were small minded and bitter, grimly trying to scrape by. How wrong I was, and how wrong you are! Hot dog cart craft is a noble endeavor, pursued by honorable and jolly men! They make up a bustling community of boiled 'meat' men (and maybe women) who attempt to carry on beautiful traditions from a purer golden age. Look at this picture!

Remember His Motto: Nobody Has EVER Went Broke Selling Hotdogs!

So, while I don't technically meet the criteria for the ad, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Look at that picture! I have a Master's degree, and I have never been that happy. That guy is holding what is presumably a hot dog and radiating the purest joy I have ever seen on a human face. Look you notice that he's not eating that hot dog? No, what has filled his heart with greasy happiness is much more important that merely eating it (even though 18 billion people eat 60 of them a year...or maybe 60 people eat enough hotdogs for every man woman and child in America...the statistics presented on HDC$ are confusing)! The man above is so filled with radiant intense pleasure because he is giving that hot dog to you! Well, presumed hot dog.

Alternate view of above image.

I'm sold already, and I've only read the first 2 paragraphs of the site. I'm so insanely ebullient that all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is hot dogs. I had hot dogs for brekkie. Hot dogs for lunch. For dinner? YOU BET YOUR BUNS I ATE HOT DOGS! God, I wish that wasn't true. Anyway, the more I read on the site, the more I felt that I had made the right decision. Hot Dogs are cheap, easy, make you infinite money, cause no stress, promote harmony, require no education, create joy, have a 12, 000% ROI, psychologically manipulate others, buy you a car, and are guaranteed. All of these are actual things that hot dogs do. I'm not making it up, I read it right off of HDC$, which means it came right out of the mouth of Perry, "The Hot Dog Guy".

Mommy, does Heaven have an address?

I think Perry says it best: "I've got lawyer friends of mine that make a $100,000 to $150,000 a year and some of them are a lot less than that. We go to these big fancy parties, and I go to parties with black ties and I take my wife out in fancy dresses and I drive a Cadillac when I'm not working. I live in a nice neighborhood and everybody wonders really what I do. Because when I tell them that I'm a hot dog vendor I know they think I'm lying to them. They probably think I'm some sort of crazed drug dealer or a money launderer that does something else, but it's just not true."

See! He's not a drug dealer at all! He just sells hot dogs. And it could be you! You could be friends with rich jerks (although some of them are a lot less than that) who think you are a crime boss and still go to fancy parties with black ties! Admit it, your life is crap compared to this. Your friends? Stupid. Your family? Probably poor.

First DVD: Buying or Starting a hot dog cart business. Second DVD: ???. Third DVD: Profit!

All of that can be yours for only $97. That's practically free. Perry says that he could easily charge $297 for this kit. You know why he doesn't? Because he wants to help you. He's manically grinning while he passes you the hot dog of opportunity. He charges 97$ because he wants Winners. Real Doers. Well, I don't know about you...but I'm a winner. I want to learn how to make "Hot Dogs and Treats So Good They'll Make Your Tongue Slap You're Brains Out". I need to get a piece of the 2 billion hot dogs sold from hot dog cart businesses every year.

And friends, I want you do come with me.

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Mandy said...

What should those of us who don't eat hotdogs do? I don't want to miss my one chance at true happiness.

Jamz said...

I've thought long and hard about this. I poured things into beakers. I took careful measurements. I wrote long equations on chalkboards. In other words, I asked the scientists.

Their verdict?

Eat Hotdogs.